Archive for March, 2010

Cut Adrift

March 27, 2010

and the voice it says

you are not possessed

by demons

you are the demon

and you should jump

before you are pushed

i cannot swim

so I am cut adrift

on the whim

of some capricious

medical examiner

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What Does This Mean?

March 23, 2010

I have published a piece of art work on the K***** Theatre Website.  Is this a sign?  Do they even know who contributed it?  Is this acceptance.  A voice invades my head.  It is the Pseudo Messiah: ‘Everyone hates you in ***bridge.  We are going to drive you out of this city.  This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.  I am the one who controls this place and everyone in it.  You don’t.  You are nothing.  You are growing old and haggard and soon no one will want you.’  Is he sending messages psychically?  The Pseudo Messiah has always claimed that he liked older women.  Why am I suddenly afraid of him after all these years?

If Anyone Is Interested…

March 20, 2010

This is my diagnonsense:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoaffective_disorder

As a group, people with schizoaffective disorder have a more favorable prognosis than people with schizophrenia, but a worse prognosis than those with mood disorders.[4]

Maybe that’s why they seem to have given up on me.

Or is that my mean-spirited paranoia talking?

automated.  expires today
graceful Midnight invalidated
They disregard my appeal
The conviction is upheld
Doors are shut against me
This road leads to nothingness
There is no cure for this kind of distress
A party girl in a red silk dress
Archaic aunts, paper-based
Not blessed with the capacity
For empathy. Wire-haired clowns
A circus parades through a multitude of towns
They bear a grudge
Demonic eyed.  Sinister.
Cocktails in tall glasses
Brightly coloured, fizzy
And topped with exotic fruit
A brandy to send me off to sleep
Delightful afternoons.  Hazy, sunlit,
Endless

My New Niece

March 19, 2010

Time to start buying this little lady some books…

The birth of a child puts everything else into perspective.

This Too…

March 13, 2010

How do I get involved?  I have been labelled a witch by other service users (one of whom physically attacked me).  I am not sure to whom I can turn.  I was also forcibly medicated when I was in hospital.  My perpetrator is the doyen of the ‘user service movement’.  So where should I go?  I am alone all the time and I take pills, so many pills.  I live near Hanover Court.  I am even rejected by the marginalised.  Where should I go to from here?  I still love him by the way.

I would be grateful for your advice.

They Live Here

March 13, 2010

They live here.  In my head.  Disembodied voices.  And nothing can stop them.  Nothing works any more.  Nothing blocks them out.  The defence shield has dissolved.

Purchased a book for Nobby by Lord Baden  Powell, entitled ‘Roving to Success’.  He said it helped him through some of the most difficult times in his life.  I gather it is a kind of self help manuel.  I could do with one of those.  Or maybe I’ve damaged myself beyond repair.  Anything to stem the tide.

I am afraid that Nobby and I have become too mutually dependent.  I find myself wondering if he is as afraid of losing me as I am afraid of losing him.   I don’t think I can live in a world in which he does not exist. He is frail and his hands are shaking.  He tries to hide it from me but I can still see.  Kathy, his neighbour, an Irish woman in her fifties took me aside and said, ‘Have you noticed how frail Nobby is becoming?’  Noticed?  I’ve noticed little else.  ‘You need to prepare for…’  she stumbled over her words so I put her out of her misery, ‘….his departure from the planet.  Well, if he goes then I’m accompanying him.’

‘No, no,’ she clasped both my hands in hers.  ‘He wouldn’t want that.’

And I knew she was right.

Rainbow Coloured World

March 10, 2010

…from an aspirational mentalist…

A Thank You Note From Limbo

March 6, 2010

This is what happens when the world implodes.  You look around and there is nothingness.  You have surrendered yourself to the inevitable.  You have given up.  Sometimes having people on your side is not enough.  `You have let fear take control. I live in limbo unable to relate to the people I share the planet with.

But I know that there are some good people out there.  Thank you to all those who e-mailed and posted.  You are good people and you keep the world turning.  And you tell me that I am not alone.


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