Depressed to the point of catatonia. I feel as helpless as broken doll, trapped between the teeth of a rabid dog.
‘Don’t be so eager to tell people that you have a mental illness,’ someone once advised me.
‘You mean I should be ashamed?’
‘Not exactly but sometimes people you admire and respect don’t react as you expect them to.’
My room is suffused with the scent of tearoses and jasmine. But all I can smell is my own fear.
There isn’t enough money in the world to compensate someone for this.
When the rats start fleeing a sinking ship it is time to start looking for the nearest lifeboat!
According to Labour MP Tom Harris: (See here and here) “I remember scoffing when John Major said we should understand a bit less and condemn a bit more, but he was right.”
No he wasn’t. It was wrong then and it’s equally wrong now. Understanding should be an essential prerequisite to condemnation. For example you wouldn’t want a jury to find the defendant in a criminal trial guilty without a thorough understanding of the facts of the case. Or would you?
And, if I recall correctly, John Major made that comment at a time when members of his own government were falling far short of the standards of morality they were attempting to impose on others. Did he make that remark before, during or after his affair with Edwina Currie? Or is adultery acceptable in his moral universe? (Addendum: It was after but he only expressed public regret when the charming Ms. Currie ‘exposed’ him in her execrably written diaries. Am I the only person on the planet who believes that those who claim to be superior should actually be superior? I love the caption beneath the picture of what looks like Edwina Currie admonishing the then PM for some perceived wrongdoing: ‘Currie said she felt ‘forgotten’ when Major was premier’. Oh boo hoo! Diddums etcetera! Could somebody please remind me again why I should take advice on morality from an adulterer? Here is yet another blogger who seems to think we should. What is it with all this selective amnesia? Are they putting something in the water? I knew there was a perfectly sensible reason why I only drink diet coke! It is not, I suspect, that the Tories et al want us to lead morally flawless lives but that, like them, we should be seen to be living morally flawless lives while doing exactly what we please when we are off stage.)
John Major presided over a bunch of toe-sucking, duplicitous, avaricious, hypocritical adulterers but they were, at the very least, entertaining.
Mr. Harris proceeds to assert that: ‘Common sense dictates that, in general, children benefit from having the love of a mother and a father.’ Interestingly though, according to this wikipedia entry, he himself is divorced. One rule for him, another for everyone else.
According to a commenter in The Daily Mail (yes, like Lot’s wife I looked back) ‘Scummy mummies have been on Nu-Lab agenda since taking office, I’m of the opinion many blinkered Nu-Lab MPs are appalled at the speed a which Nu-Lying-Labour has destroyed our way of life and family values. ‘ My response (which was never published): ‘I think you’ll find that the number of single mothers rose exponentially under the Tories, as did the practice of shunting the jobless onto incapacity benefit in order to massage the unemployment figures. The major political parties seem to believe that the population of this country suffer from a kind of cyclical amnesia and I fear they may be right.’ Actually I’d go so far as to say that the population of this great nation have the collective memory of a retarded goldfish.
And we don’t really want to eradicate poverty, do we? The children of the impoverished (intellectually, spiritually and relatively) have traditionally made rather good cannon fodder and God knows we need some of that right now. And middle class parents should remember that the success of their children depends on the failure of the children of their social inferiors. If they don’t tolerate this then their children won’t be next.
Now more than ever before we are measured solely by the amount of money we earn. This means that, in the UK, the average footballer is of more worth to society than the average doctor or the average teacher. There are many people on low incomes who work very hard and make a valuable contribution to society. One example that springs to mind is an acquaintance of mine who is a care assistant who works in a retirement home. She receives tax credits and she deserves them too. Her low income is part of the reason people can afford to send their elderly relatives to these places.
It may also be useful to look at history. Many writers, artists etc who made lasting contributions to our cultural history were not particularly economically productive in their own lifetimes (examples include Emily Dickinson, Vincent Van Gogh, Jane Austen, the Brontes).
It is a barren, depressing world indeed if the only measure of our worth is our economic productivity.
I am not sure how long I shall remain here. I have been reading about the plight of transsexuals – they are people who believe that they have been born into the wrong body. As far as I am aware it is a disorder that primarily affects men – sufferers believe that they are really women. I wonder if there are people who have been born into the wrong time.
I cannot deny that you have probably helped many. You have, however, had a hand in destroying my life and for that I hate you beyond measure. You despised me because I was born into the wrong socio-economic circumstances. You despised me because I am physically grotesque. You despised me because of factors beyond my control. You failed to act when I was sexually harassed by over-sexed male patients while being imprisoned as a result of a section 3 that you ratified. You failed to act when I was physically attacked by a male patient who had a long history of such behaviour. You failed to address the sexual abuse or domestic violence I had experienced as a child. When I was in your care I was forcibly medicated, often by male members of staff. I was told that I was worthless, an attention seeker, not really ill. I was told that nobody would really care if I committed suicide. You were slowly and systematically destroying me. My mother managed to wrest me away from you. A humble nurse triumphed over a learned psychiatrist. How that must have stung! When I graduated from college I was still under your jurisdiction. I was in the care of a CPN and a social worker. It was then that you exacted your revenge. You withdrew all support. I was left to rot in a council flat. At the time I had a friend. I will refer to her as L. She insisted on telling me how wonderful you were, how you went out of your way to help her, how much you respected her. The contrast was striking. She was pure and good and came from a middle class background. She was also, unlike me, physically attractive. Another difference was that I had managed to graduate and she didn’t – that must have infuriated you – it is a violation of the natural order of things.
There is a voice in my head – it is one of the demons. Because you, devout Catholic that you are, always knew that I was demonically possessed. I asked you to approach a priest on my behalf. You refused. So the demons they have multiplied. They are imprisoned inside. And no one will help me get rid of them. You think I deserve my suffering because, at the age of seven, I permitted a neighbour to shove his fingers up my vagina and I told no one. I should have fought him. Even if it meant my own death. You are trying to rid the planet of my evil presence. You are trying to make me commit suicide. I will do as you wish but the world will know what you have done.
The voice says: ‘Keep looking over your shoulder. Because you should never feel safe – as long as I am alive.’
‘No one had thought, until Jade Goody came along, of making a star out of someone who was neither particularly good-looking nor remotely distinguished in any field.’ You’re wrong, Mr. Glover, the Catholic Church have been making the ordinary extraordinary for centuries. How many otherwise ordinary peasant girls have been canonised by the Church because they claimed they heard the voice of the Virgin Mary?
Addendum: Off to write a pretentious tome entitled Celebrity Worship in a Godless Age.
At The Daily Mail. The delightful Amanda Platell asserts in her column that the ideal role for any woman is ‘standing by her man’: ‘Basham argues that by using all your talents, skills, education and qualifications, you can make your husband’s career a stellar success, and your family life spectacularly happy.
We’re talking an equal professional partnership, where the woman gets the best of both worlds — enjoying using her honed professional skills to enhance her husband’s career, but at the same time having the freedom and pleasure of spending more time with her children.’
So, Ms. Platell, when are you resigning? And yes, I know you have neither husband nor children to stand by (and how that must sting) but you are depriving a man with a family to provide for of employment. And your colleagues will probably be glad to be rid of you too. I imagine they tire of having to frisk you every morning for hidden cameras. Once a traitor…*
Because you gave ‘career women’ such a good name with that nasty little stunt.
*The first article to come up when you type ‘the treacherous Amanda Platell’ into Google.
Don’t take my word for it:
So Sick of Drowning 