Posts Tagged ‘schizoaffective disorder’

At An Impasse

November 20, 2019

I doubt anyone will read this but I want to make a record in case anything happens.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

First some context. I suffer from a ‘severe and enduring mental illness’ called Schizoaffective Disorder. (I have no time to explain its symptoms here but ppl can google it.) If you don”t mind I will refer to myself in the third person. (It’s easier that way). She was neglected for years by the NHS and then in 2014 her father died and she spent nearly a year slipping in and out of a state of psychosis and extreme changes in mood.

Eventually her GP realised how much she had deteriorated and she was finally admitted to hospital and was at last given the treatment she so desperately needed. An apology was issued (her mother, who lives in another city, had spent the entire year phoning them, informing them of her deteriorating state of mind) and it was acknowledged in writing that ‘(I) do not think this (illness) has been adequately treated at any point in the recent past’. They were also informed that this would never be allowed to happen again.

But now it *is* happening again. In May of this year she was unceremoniously discharged from services, apparently because she had ‘failed to engage in interventions’. (Whatever that means) She was also told that it was a matter of resources, although this has since been denied. She was informed of this in a letter which basically said ’goodbye and good luck’. This decision had been partially made by a new consultant psychiatrist who had seen her a grand total of one time. There was no preparation made for this discharge, no referrals to other agencies that could help, just a letter. She was despatched into the care of her GP with whom she had not had a working relationship for five long years.

These are the facts:

The fact that someone likes being asleep more than they like being awake

The fact that they see their dreams, however horrific, as preferable to being awake

The fact that someone never leaves the house, not even to get food

The fact that someone self neglects to the point of not washing properly for weeks

The fact that medication has reduced efficacy & psychotic symptoms are returning

The fact that this person does not see a real life human being, apart from those who deliver her food, for months at a time.

The fact that she finds it impossible to interact with other members of her own species, even on line

All this time devoid of human companionship when it has been established that this degree of extreme isolation can affect long term cognitive function

The fact that as every day passes her chances of returning to a normal life and interacting productively with society are reduced.

The fact that this person no longer sees any point in life itself

The fact that as each day passes this person is deteriorating further

One would imagine that these ’facts’ would be a cause of grave concern for those who are responsible for this person’s care. But they are not. She telephones the duty team (as she has a right to do under Section 117) and is met with bewilderment (you can’t be that bad if you can eat), indifference, barely disguised contempt and even hostility. She gently suggests that maybe a brief spell in hospital would be sufficient to get her back on an even keel, even a slight increase in anti psychotic medication could help. This is what has happened in the past but she is informed that this ‘is not the the way things work any more’ and that to be hospitalised ‘one of us has to see you’ but they will not see her. And so we are at an impasse. And every day she loses touch with reality even more. She does not know how this will end.

Mind the Gap

September 17, 2015


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Aktion T4

September 15, 2014


In Response to This Charming MIssive:

April 6, 2013

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This was my response on the site itself, a response which was subsequently removed.  It seems that I have been censored by a couple of citizens of the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave and, of course, the First Amendment. That’s actually quite funny. In fact it’s downright hilarious. That Fred character must be awfully thin skinned (for a sock puppet that is). Maybe one of the pharmaceuticals have developed a drug capable of treating his condition.

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This is What It Can Be Like…

February 6, 2013

For those who experience auditory hallucinations:

Hat Tip to the delightful Ms. Seaneen.

(One of my voices liked to tell me that I was in perpetual danger of spontaneously combusting.  It was female, by the way.)

The Worst Possible Outcome?

May 29, 2011

So my mother now officially has a schizophrenic daughter.  Some view this diagnosis as a death sentence : ie, your life is a living death until you succumb to your own despair and end it all. I am not that brave and my inner Catholic does not wish to relinquish her immortal soul.  Besides there is no way to commit suicide without causing grievous harm to those around me.  And my inner Catholic claims that I am here for a purpose.  ‘You may feel as though you don’t belong but the fact is that you are here and however you got here you must make the most of it.’. My inner Catholic is a sensible old soul.  She, unlike many nuns, wears the full regalia: habit and veil, her hair is never uncovered in public.  I guess its easy to follow the rules to the letter if you are an imaginary nun existing in someone else’s head and don’t have to bother with practicalities like the weather. Even making a vow of poverty is easy for her because she is imaginary and thus does not need to eat. 

Remember this: The darkest night always surrenders to the Dawn.

Are all mentalists also untermenschen?


September 19, 2010

‘Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces’

Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos

When I was very young I believed our house was haunted, that there was a ghost in every room. Most nights I would cry out in my sleep.

My nights were filled with dreams and visions.  One day I awoke to see the transparent figure of a stooped old man beside my bed.  I froze for an instant and then I squeezed my eyes shut.  When I opened them again the vision had dissolved.  I was so afraid that I lay down next to my brother on his bed.  As I huddled beneath the duvet I saw what looked like a group of soldiers wielding machine guns, emerging from the darkness and advancing towards me.  Only then did I scream.

I have other kinds of hallucinations and delusions now.

When I don’t take my meds.  And sometimes even when I do.

Can’t sleep because I’m afraid of how I’ll feel when I wake up.  I don’t want to wake up.

And this blog post has made me feel like getting an airline ticket to Switzerland.  Destination Dignitas.


September 18, 2010

‘Why don’t you work full time?’ asked a colleague at the home the other day.

‘Because I’m radio rental,’ I replied.

‘Radio rental?’

‘Yeah, you know, it’s Cockney Rhyming slang. I’m mental. I have schizo affective disorder.’

‘Schizo what?’

‘Schizo affective disorder.’ I enunciated my words carefully. ‘It’s a combination of schizophrenia and manic depression.’

I saw her flinch when I uttered the word ‘schizophrenia’. She pursed her lips, walked away and said nothing more about it. Now, how am I supposed to respond to that? There is a flicker of fear in her eyes now whenever she sees me.

The government’s aim, not entirely devoid of merit, is to get as many ‘disabled’ people as possible off benefits and into full time work. This includes the ‘mentally ill’. It is easy, when hanging around in the ‘Madosphere’, a virtual place in which one is suffused with the warm glow of acceptance, of mutual appreciation, to forget that the real world is not like that. With a few notable exceptions, mental illness carries a greater stigma than physical illness. And no government can legislate away fear, suspicion and hostility.

Sick Enough to be Hospitalised

June 9, 2010

In Response to this. * I have a mental illness: schizo-affective disorder. I know this because I have been told by a very clever consultant psychiatrist. I am ill enough to have to take medication replete with negative side effects. I am ill enough to be sectioned. I am ill enough to be imprisoned against my will. I am ill enough to be forcibly treated. I am ill enough to be barred from certain countries and certain professions. But in the eyes of some I am not ill enough to be financially supported by the state, or anyone else for that matter. Please explain this to me, Mr. Bartholomew..

*Scroll down to MAY 28, 2010, in which the site owner pontificates over the future of ‘the sick’ most of whom are fakes.  His trackbacks do not work.

If Anyone Is Interested…

March 20, 2010

This is my diagnonsense:

As a group, people with schizoaffective disorder have a more favorable prognosis than people with schizophrenia, but a worse prognosis than those with mood disorders.[4]

Maybe that’s why they seem to have given up on me.

Or is that my mean-spirited paranoia talking?

automated.  expires today
graceful Midnight invalidated
They disregard my appeal
The conviction is upheld
Doors are shut against me
This road leads to nothingness
There is no cure for this kind of distress
A party girl in a red silk dress
Archaic aunts, paper-based
Not blessed with the capacity
For empathy. Wire-haired clowns
A circus parades through a multitude of towns
They bear a grudge
Demonic eyed.  Sinister.
Cocktails in tall glasses
Brightly coloured, fizzy
And topped with exotic fruit
A brandy to send me off to sleep
Delightful afternoons.  Hazy, sunlit,

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