Demonic Possession

Am I possessed? There is a voice in my head saying, ‘You are of no use to anyone. End it now and then you won’t be a burden to decent people. Finish it. Avoid further pain. You’re not supposed to be here. You don’t belong here. An angel made a clerical error.’ There is a sharp, physical pain lodged in my chest, a large heavy stone weighing me down. Some demon has taken up residence inside me. Do I need a psychiatrist or an exorcist? My own mind is torturing me. And I am terrified, paralysed by uncertainty. The world looks like a cold, dark, hostile place. And no one can help me. I am isolated. And there is a word that keeps inserting itself into my thoughts. That word is ‘abomination’.

Cut Adrift

and the voice it says

you are not possessed

by demons

you are the demon

and you should jump

before you are pushed

i cannot swim

so I am cut adrift

on the whim

of some capricious

medical examiner

No Man’s Land

am about to sound self pitying and self obsessed. *so be it*.

I want to disappear. I want to curl up in a ball in some dark cubby hole and remain there for the rest of my life. In my nightmares I am tried, convicted by some celestial court, and sentenced to death.

For all my secret crimes. I don’t belong here – on the planet. I never have.

And the fear it is real. as real as I am. and my thoughts: they are corrupt and incoherent. i am lost. i am irretrievable – standing on no man’s land between life and death and paralysed by fear and indecision.

Somebody help me.

Hold your breath, close your eyes and jump.  But I am so lazy I cannot tear myself away from the binge-purge circle