Posts Tagged ‘random’

Fad Diet Friday

February 17, 2018

Dear subs. Or followers. Or whatevers, (I think I shall settle with the latter. Subs sounds way to mundane and I don’t need ‘followers’. I am not Jesus Christ. ) This is why I never use the abomination that is ‘Twitter’; never quite got my head round that one. So ‘Whatevers’ it shall be. No offence intended although it seems that everything you say will offend someone, somewhere on the planet and they will not hesitate to let you know about it. Another strike against Twitter. Call me a Special Snowflake (did I get that one right?) but I am neither brave enough nor masochistic enough to put myself through that.

Yes, after nearly a year I am back or ‘I’mmm back’ as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character said in The Terminator and what better way to start than a piece called ‘Fad Diet Friday’. Yes, I am aware that it is technically a Saturday but let’s not be excessively pedantic.

Long ago I learnt that on this glorious and miraculous medium called the Internet all things are possible. You see, I am about to embark on what the young people on YouTube are calling a ‘Wright Loss Journey’, only mine is not quite so thrilling as theirs because I have only a stone and a half to lose rather than the standard three to four hundred pounds so my ‘struggle’ pales in comparison. I am no longer the woman I was when this photograph was taken in 2016. Who knew you could body shame yourself? In other words I do not look like this anymore:   https://rielouise.wordpress.com/2015/04/08/in-red/

In 2014 I had a breakdown (the last of many) and I was hospitalised. When my blood work was completed the staff started to panic. My Phlebotomist went crazy and rushed into the office and started to telephone all sorts of people. I could see her through the plexiglass window. As for myself, I was strangely numb. I wondered what all the fuss was about. I think they call this phenomenon ‘La Belle Indifference’ but don’t quote me on that. So I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance devoid of a siren, accompanied by one of the nursing assistant and I was put in a wheelchair ( yes, they do that over here now.) and taken by a porter to a ward in the bowels of the hospital. It was there that I was informed by a very serious looking doctor that I had something called ‘ pernicious anaemia. I had a cannula put into my arm. The young doctor was I inexperience and it took her several attempts to drive the thing home. Halfway through I pleaded: “It’s all right. Don’t bother. Just let me go home and I will eat whatever is necessary to put this right. I was then told that I would have to eat trucks full of iron rich food to rectify the situation I now found myself in, or rather, the situation I had put myself in.

For, without being aware of it I had been on a ridiculously unhealthy crash diet. In 1014 I withdrew from the world. I was almost a recluse. I saw few people, apart from my neighbours, my mother and my best, oldest and most loyal friend. Without knowing it I had lost a substantial amount of weight. And without noticing I was eating the bare minimum needed to keep my self alive. Rice cakes were my main source of sustenance, along with the odd chocolate bar one packet of potato chips.
In short, I lost weight by eating absolute crap. And besides all of this I took no exercise. I would market it if I could remember it. It is this experience that has stimulated my interest in fad diets. And for your benefit, but mostly my own, I shall dive headfirst into the world of nutritional quackery and dissect them, right here on my newly revived blog.

So what, you are probably wondering is this rather incoherent ramble all about. It is just a way of dipping my toe in a sea infested with sharks. Or, in my rather less melodramatic case, a pond infested with sniping goldfish. Like it or not I have returned.

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Cool Shades of Blue

May 16, 2017

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The sun, a pale yellow disk in the sky, was going down. She thought of childhood. She thought of freedom. Memories thrust themselves upon her. She did not invite them in, they simply arrived, pale ghosts wandering through her head.

Her swim in the calm sea beneath a serene sky had been all too brief. She scooped up a handful of sand and let it trickle down her leg. She wanted to make this moment forever.

She tried not to think about where the car was taking her -back to the bin. She wanted to sit here, on the back seat, forever, reassured by the comforting rhythm if the motor, travelling into an infinite golden sunset.

A place in which night was banished and sky and sea merged and she immersed herself in their cool shades of blue.

Two Cats In The Yard

March 29, 2017

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Myself: A Case Study

March 20, 2017

IMG_0257Myself: A Case Study:

This will be the bleakest blog entry for a while and for that I apologise. The breadcrumbs have been devoured by the birds and there is no way back. I have to create a new future for myself.  This is a kind of SOS.

This is actually about me but I am writing about myself in the third person. What shall I call myself today: Susan perhaps.

My diagnosis was, until recently schizoaffective disorder but the powers that be have chosen to change it to ‘schizophrenia’. Schizophrenia is a cruel disease. It attacks every aspect of your being and even after a successful medication regime has been established there are problems that may seem unsurmountable but they must be faced up to and overcome. At the moment I am experiencing residual symptoms of my disorder: loneliness, social isolation, suicidal thoughts, panic and anxiety. However, my greatest enemy is poverty of expectation in myself and in others. I find myself longing to give into the temptation to curl up into a ball and lie there forever, to succumb to a dreamless sleep.

Right now I am terrified of the future. I have a tendency to catastrophise. I am finding the world almost impossible to navigate. I am nothing, I am passive, a mere observer. I am characterless, A tabla rasa. My self esteem has been ravaged. I feel socially disenfranchised, as if I have no place in the world. I am living on the edge of darkness, huddled down deep inside myself, wondering whether I will find myself again. “it is my portion to die out and disappear.”

I need to bear constantly in mind that there is a solution to every problem. Something as simple as making a list of problems and solutions can be immensely helpful as it helps to put them into some kind of perspective. I have got to this stage and the darkest hour is just before the dawn. I will not let this illness win. I must triumph over this nameless dread. A life lived in perennial fear is no life at all. Time propels you forward. There is no turning back.

https://www.livingwithschizophreniauk.org/

 

 

Apartment Tour

March 13, 2017

Sculpted

May 15, 2010



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