Now That’s What I Call a Proper Little Entrepreneur:

My adorable little niece: Amelia (After Amelia Earhart not ‘Amelia Jane: The Naughty Doll’.)

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Impossible Decisions

From a selfish perspective the birth of my niece takes the pressure off me.  I have always taken it for granted that I would have children.  I am reconciled now to the fact that this will never happen.  Some people are unsuited to parenthood and I am one of them.  It’s not that I dislike children – far from it.  I’ve worked as an au pair and was everybody’s favourite teenaged babysitter.  Jobs I loved, jobs that fuelled the fantasy of one day getting married and having a family of my own.  I did not know then that I would be diagnosed with a severe mental illness, that I would develop social phobias that prevent me from going out and meeting people.  In the ‘Known Allergies’ section of the personal notes in my real life diary I have written ‘people’.

It’s a hard lessen to learn but I am not destined for motherhood.  The world would be a better place if more people reached this conclusion.  Not every biological need can be fulfilled.  Not having children is a more painful sacrifice than choosing to have them.  The state of childlessness required more maturity and courage than simply churning them out regardless of the kind of person you are.  I need to be true to my conscience and that means denying myself children.  It’s hard but that’s life.  And I must deal with it

My Niece 2

I  shall be the best auntie ever.

Small, beautiful and perfectly formed.  Last Saturday I got to hold my baby niece for the first time.  She looks like a small China doll with porcelain skin and thick dark hair that frames her face so neatly that it looked as though it had been styled.  Truthfully, I was a little nervous.  She was so tiny, so delicate that I was afraid I might break her.  ‘She’s tougher than she looks,’ said my brother’s partner.

I hope I will be a good aunt.  The sort of aunt she can confide in.  I’m afraid that I will forever be known as ‘my mad old aunt in Cambridge’ which is a fairly accurate description. Mother had told my brother that she resembled me and dragged out an old photo to prove it.  Poor girl.  I can’t wait until she is old enough for toys.  I love shopping for children.

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