The Magic Mountain

When I was in hospital I was befriended by Michael, an ex squaddie who had left the army after a nervous breakdown. He had been homeless ever since. drifting from bedsit to shelter and back again. His chaotic lifestyle was punctuated by visits to the psychiatric hospital.

The army was his reason for living and, in his view, someone had stolen that away from him. Now he had nothing. Just a lifetime of desolate acute wards and endless corridors. This was when I realized that the longer I remained on this hospital ward the harder it would be to leave. And that terrified me. Becoming like Michael terrified me. ‘This is like being a prisoner of war,’ he told me. ‘Worse probably. At least they have the Geneva Convention.’

Michael was a mountain of a man. He did not join the other patients waiting calmly, obediently in line for their medication. He rejected the powerful neuroleptic they offered him. I once overheard a nurse saying to him: ‘You really have no idea how ill you are, do you?’ He had a reputation for being ‘non-compliant’.

Nursespeak, my mother had once told me, for ‘awkward old git.’ He viewed the staff with open hostility and they viewed him as a problem to be solved. But he also had a generosity of spirit that was rare in these parts.

This was a side of him that the staff chose not to see. All they saw was an obstreperous, middle-aged, red-faced man standing before them. The one that, no matter what they tried, refused to take the medication prescribed to him by his all-knowing consultant. So every night he was forcibly medicated. It was quite a spectacle.

Michael would wedge himself into the easy chair nearest the television. ‘Are you ready for your meds, Michael’. This question would be repeated three times and would elicit no response. The staff nurse would then call in the charge nurse who, in turn, called in his minions – male auxiliary nurses from the intensive care unit. The biggest, beefiest men they could find. Men who were only here, according to Aaron (the pretentious overgrown public school boy) because they enjoyed roughing people up.

The patients in the dayroom looked up from their books and boardgames. They turned their heads away from the television. They snapped out of their collective stupor. Then they arrived – six burly men with heavy, clumping boots. They did not try to argue with Michael, they did not ask him to come quietly. Moving in tandem they seized him and pulled him out of his chair. But he did not give in without a struggle. He kicked out with his feet and struck out with his fists as they dragged him out of the room and walked him down the corridor. It was not a fair fight.

‘See what they’re doing, ‘ he shouted. ‘They’re oppressors. Government oppressors. They are an army of pawns.’ They were followed by an elfin female nurse with a needle in her hand. The doctor who had authorised this procedure watched from a distance.

‘I’d love to shove a needle up his arse,’ said Aurora (the ward’s beautiful but rather vulgar narcissist) who was no stranger to forcible medication.

March Past

I took Nobby to see the march past of the Royal Anglian Regiment.  They were a remarkable looking group of young men (and, yes, some women too).  Nobby was ‘all gonged up’. (i.e: he was draped in medals and wore his Commando beret.) They let us through the barrier to take a closer look.  Nobby is 93 by the way so this quite an adventure.  The crowd was appreciative of them and they made that clear.  They act on our behalf.  They do what they do so that we don’t have to.  Nobby was the centre of attention.  As always but then he deserves it.

Fading II

Cat on the Edge

It was I who had been fading. Not Nobby. Nobby is courageous and upright and resilient. I am none of those things. Nobby went through a war and its aftermath. He saw comrades blown to pieces, burn to death, drown in their own blood.  I have seen none of these things.  And after the war he contributed even more.  He stayed in the army.  He reached the Rank of Regimental Sergeant Major.  He spent two decades as what we would now call a ‘paramedic’.  Then he was just a plain old ‘ambulance man’.  After that he worked as a college porter (although they liked to call themselves ‘college disciplinarians’.) He spent the last couple of decades of his working life running a student hostel.  When his wife became too ill to manage her hostel duties the council (to their credit surprisingly quickly) found him a council flat.  Five weeks after they moved in his wife died in hospital.  She had fallen from a high bed and had never recovered.  Nobby has been living alone ever since but what he lacked for in human companionship he made up for in animal companionship.  He had Freddi, the West Highland dog until she died in 2008.  And now he has Ginger, a plump Tom cat who has slipped comfortably into Freddi’s place.  His is truly a life lived as fully as a life could ever be.

And he is strong.  Much stronger than I will ever be.

Pictures are more eloquent that my words could ever be.

At the Beginning