Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

Writer’s Block

February 2, 2017


I face a blank sheet of paper – ice-white and treacherous. A No Man’s Land I cannot cross. My thoughts are imprisoned in my head and I do not have the key needed to release them. My head is a wasteland. My brain is teflon like. I wonder what the medication is doing to my mind. Abilify is known to cause atrophy of the brain. Some might say this began happening to me a long time ago. Now it seems to be accelerating. And I am terrified. So forgive me if entries are sparse and disjointed.

Self Sabotage

February 8, 2010

I missed my hospital appointment quite deliberately. I rose, dressed, donned my coat and headed for the door but I couldn’t step across the threshold. I was frozen there for a moment.

My thoughts were racing. I conjured up scenario after scenario. I had never seen the doctor mentioned on my appointment before; what if she is mean, what if she hates me, what if she judges me and then writes bitchy comments about me in my notes? The last time I went to that hospital I wasn’t permitted to leave. I was sectioned and I was terrified this would happen again.

Paralyzed by anxiety I turned back. I would not be leaving the house today. And I know that there is a name for this. It is self sabotage.

I want to die.  I have taken all the zopiclone I can find in my flat. 3*30.  Why are some people loved and some people hated?  I don’t understand what I have done that is so wrong.  I am grotesque.  Maybe that’s why.  Or maybe I’m a spoilt brat like Susannah in Girl, Interrupted.

Why won’t they let me in?

I feel suicidal when no one responds to my posts.  I don’t belong in the real world and I don’t belong in this one either.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  Someone make it stop.

People have told me that I write well but most of the people on the ‘madosphere’ don’t seem to think that I do.  So who is right?

Till now writing has been my life and without it I HAVE NO LIFE

I bite down hard on my hand.  I draw blood.  Why won’t anyone respond?  Do they want me off the planet?  Hierarchies, hierarchies, everywhere.  Even among the marginalised.  It shouldn’t be that way.

There’s a voice in my head whispering over and over again, ‘Everybody hates you.  Everybody.’  How can I make this stop?


June 8, 2009


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