I face a blank sheet of paper – ice-white and treacherous. A No Man’s Land I cannot cross. My thoughts are imprisoned in my head and I do not have the key needed to release them. My head is a wasteland. My brain is teflon like. I wonder what the medication is doing to my mind. Abilify is known to cause atrophy of the brain. Some might say this began happening to me a long time ago. Now it seems to be accelerating. And I am terrified. So forgive me if entries are sparse and disjointed.
I missed my hospital appointment quite deliberately. I rose, dressed, donned my coat and headed for the door but I couldn’t step across the threshold. I was frozen there for a moment.
My thoughts were racing. I conjured up scenario after scenario. I had never seen the doctor mentioned on my appointment before; what if she is mean, what if she hates me, what if she judges me and then writes bitchy comments about me in my notes? The last time I went to that hospital I wasn’t permitted to leave. I was sectioned and I was terrified this would happen again.
Paralyzed by anxiety I turned back. I would not be leaving the house today. And I know that there is a name for this. It is self sabotage.
I want to die. I have taken all the zopiclone I can find in my flat. 3*30. Why are some people loved and some people hated? I don’t understand what I have done that is so wrong. I am grotesque. Maybe that’s why. Or maybe I’m a spoilt brat like Susannah in Girl, Interrupted.
Why won’t they let me in?
I feel suicidal when no one responds to my posts. I don’t belong in the real world and I don’t belong in this one either. I don’t want to be here anymore. Someone make it stop.
People have told me that I write well but most of the people on the ‘madosphere’ don’t seem to think that I do. So who is right?
Till now writing has been my life and without it I HAVE NO LIFE
I bite down hard on my hand. I draw blood. Why won’t anyone respond? Do they want me off the planet? Hierarchies, hierarchies, everywhere. Even among the marginalised. It shouldn’t be that way.
There’s a voice in my head whispering over and over again, ‘Everybody hates you. Everybody.’ How can I make this stop?
So Sick of Drowning 