Archive for the ‘fear’ Category

Conversion

May 11, 2014

Untitled 2,204 2 2[[ppef

Intergenerational Warfare

September 2, 2011

We have an ageing population. This means that it has become fashionable to hate the young.

In Brief

July 3, 2011

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. I feel like I have been behaving like the stereotypical victim. I have given in. I have stepped over the precipice and I am hurtling through darkness. I cannot catch my breath.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Having Difficulty Articulating Fear

November 24, 2010

Why Does It Matter?

April 27, 2010

Nobby expressed fear for the future.  He was usually so calm.  He told me of a dream he’d had.  It was a quiet sunny day and he was standing at the top of a hill.  He could see his comrades from his Commando Unit.  An officer approached him and told Nobby that he must leave me and join them.  He walled down the hill towards them and then he woke up.

I had the freakiest delusions. There was one in which I’d be sitting in a lecture and I’d feel as if my limbs were about to drop off – one by one. Then there was this other one which involved being on the underside of the world and about to fall off – I had to cling to the floor.

i went to a blog
of someone i know fairly well
and i wasn’t on their list
feel like tearing my own throat out.

I took 90 zopiclone today and I am still here. Am I invincible?

What Does This Mean?

March 23, 2010

I have published a piece of art work on the K***** Theatre Website.  Is this a sign?  Do they even know who contributed it?  Is this acceptance.  A voice invades my head.  It is the Pseudo Messiah: ‘Everyone hates you in ***bridge.  We are going to drive you out of this city.  This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.  I am the one who controls this place and everyone in it.  You don’t.  You are nothing.  You are growing old and haggard and soon no one will want you.’  Is he sending messages psychically?  The Pseudo Messiah has always claimed that he liked older women.  Why am I suddenly afraid of him after all these years?

Going to See GP

October 20, 2009

…today.  Feel guilty about taking up so much of his time but how much more time and money would I take up if I were permanently institutionalised as certain people probably think I should be?  Self esteem bottomed out.  Am thinking of raising money for plastic surgery.  It is 5.21 am and I feel as though I am the only person left in the universe.  There’s a voice in my head telling me to ‘end it.  end it now because it will only get worse.’  and my medication, like the postal service, seems to have stopped working and there are no union leaders to negotiate with.  what’s going on with me isn’t fear, it isn’t anxiety; it is abject terror.

Currently browsing this site.  And this site.  What equipment would I need for DIY liposuction?  Pretty heavy duty painkillers that don’t knock you out, a chainsaw?  This makes me terrified about how I am going to be treated by the mental health professionals if I gain any more weight (I am already a heffalump and that’s not an exaggeration.  I feel myself moving, displacing air, occupying too much space.  Heavy.  I’d rather die than be fat, I used to say.  Well, I’m fat now.).

A little bird told me
That jumping is easy
That falling is fun
Right until you hit the sidewalk
Shivering and stunned

Swan Dive, Ani Difranco

For a minute there it must feel like flying.

They used to say, ‘Anorexics are pitied, binge-eaters are scorned, bulimics are simply ignored.’

Guess that’s still a truism even after all these years.

‘You say I’m really an ugly girl.’

Tori Amos

Depths of the Night

September 11, 2008

This is stream of consciousness stuff so please forgive its idiosyncrasies and inaccuracies. I am so afraid right now. I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Or maybe I am letting myself be overwhelmed by anxiety (a touch of self administered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy there.) It’s the old free floating anxiety only ratcheted up so that now it is sheer terror. I’ve used this metaphor before but I cannot think of a more appropriate one: I feel as though rodents are gnawing away at my innards. The fear is within me and yet it is all around me. I cannot escape. I am a prisoner in my own skin. ‘Why are you afraid?’ people ask and then look baffled when I tell them that I just don’t know. My skin is tingling as if jolts of electricity are passing through me. Every part of me is enslaved by this fear. And the drugs that I am taking to help me combat this are not working. I don’t think I want to be here anymore. Not if it’s always going to be like this.

The Insomniac – Writing About Myself in the Third Person

June 17, 2008

She could stay awake all night if she had to. The darkness enveloped her, suffocated her. A black gloved hand over her face. She gazed out of the window into the blueblack sky. The stars were on vacation. Her heartbeat sounded like the Gods pounding on some huge drum. She could feel her own body as it slowly decomposed. This was death in the midst of life. Something or someone more powerful than her had taken control, had seized her autonomy away from her. She was afraid that if she fell asleep she would never wake up. She felt exposed, her innards visible to some great God. Her bones rattled. She was disintegrating. Delusions fought with one another in her head. Oblivion had never been so far away.

Edit: Finally, some good news. A parcel just arrived containing a novel I have been after for ages. Le Sang Des Autres (The Blood of Others) by Simone de Beauvoir. I read it years ago before it went out of print. Watch out for a review if I can be bothered.

Hospital Memories I

May 30, 2008

He had bloodshot eyes, moss-covered teeth and malodorous breath. We were in the corridor. He reached out and tried to pull me towards him.  I hit out at him and backed away.  There was a nurse sitting nearby.  He did not intervene.  He just looked away.


%d bloggers like this: