Off to get my meds. Is this what they call rock bottom? At least I can’t fall any further. I want my ‘Little’. I want my Bella. I have someone to take care of. Must. Stay. Strong. I must never get fat again.
There will never be a perfect time to have a pet. I am being bombarded by offers from my friend Andrew who works at a cat sanctuary – He has found a lovely little affectionate cat called Bounce. I don’t even feel like visiting. I am so tired. I don’t think this will be a good time to bring cats into a still grieving home.
But Bella was a stubborn little Madam and would make me endure lots of silent treatments when I returned which were resolved when Bella felt that she had made me suffer enough. She wasn’t nicknamed ‘Bratcat’ for nothing.
So she surrendered and brought Bella to me. She sat perched on my chest that night and the purrs she emitted soothed me into a sleep devoid of dreams. She became a permanent fixture in my life, almost to the exclusion of everyone else. And she was loyal to the end. She died in her sleep. Next to me. The best way to die some say. I’m not so sure. Doubts are setting in
If anybody’s interested Bella was 17
More Later
Bellacat can barely walk. She can barely eat. I think the end is coming. Some will dismiss this as a kind of cloying sentimentality. But Bella has become a part of my life, a part of me. And she has been for eleven years. I think I will die without her.
I am so afraid. She is me. I am her. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want her to die for if she does then a part of me dies too.
Imagine how the local mouse population feel.
Into my thirties I go. My cat is growing old. She is dying. My father is growing old. He is dying. I am growing old. I am not dying. But the future is this great, terrifying, black abyss and I have no desire to step into it.
A nameless fear, a menacing fear. Its cause cannot be identified. I guess that’s why they call it free-floating anxiety.
Cat Phrase Meaning
miaow: Feed me.
meeow: Pet me.
mrooww: I love you.
miioo-oo-oo: I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don’t wait up.
mrow: I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww: Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww: I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow: Play with me.
miaowmioaw: Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw: Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww: I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww: I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
roww-maww-roww: I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
mmeww: I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
gakk-ak-ak: My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
mow: Snuggling is a good idea.
moww: Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww!: I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in this warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
miaow! miaow!: I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
mraakk!: Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssroww!: I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.
mmmmmmm: If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
mreoaw: Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.
mreeeow: Do you serve catnip with that?
mroow: I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing?
miaooww! mriaow!: Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.
From feline to canine: I hope the doggy in this story will be okay.
A father of two? Now, that is depressing!
Bella the Cat sleeping in my childhood bedroom in my parents’ house in Birmingham.
Cool pic of Bella for new Splash Page. (Yes, I know they are passé now but I always was ‘out of the loop’.)
So Sick of Drowning 
