Can’t Do This Anymore

am overwhelmed by fear. There. Just had to get that out. I haven’t spoken properly to another human being, apart from a chat with Nobby on Thursday, since I got back from hospital! Binged yesterday and today. Slowly expanding. A huge and ugly scar on the landscape! Unproductive, carefree (or semi-carefree, you know what I’m like!) days rule. Today was pretty much in that category.

and the voice it says
you are not possessed
By demons
You are the demon
and you should jump
before you are pushed

I cannot swim
So I am cut adrift
On the whim
Of some carelessly capricious
Medical examiner

But I couldn’t stay there. Going into hospital is like being cast out. The hospital is like a leper colony, far removed from the city. Far removed from sane, civilized people. My mind had slowed and congealed through lack of use. I could not articulate my kind of hunger. Beyond food, beyond warmth, beyond anything worldly. A need that would never be met.

And now I emerge to see I am being targeted by the powers that be b/c I can’t work full time. The politics of distraction drives me to well, distraction except its not its fiction. You may have encountered this concept before unpopular governments adore a common enemy. And that’s usually okay as long as that common enemy is not you.

when I am not on medication I spent my days doing everything I can to prevent myself from spontaneously combusting.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

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6 Responses to “Can’t Do This Anymore”

  1. Phil Groom Says:

    To me, Louise, the simple fact that you recognise and acknowledge your struggles speaks volumes: though you may not be able to see it yourself, you are one of the sane and civilised people. You are certainly no demon, no matter how much our society may demonise you.

    The demons amongst us are those who go through life trampling the poor, the weak, the vulnerable underfoot and think they have some sort of god-given right to do so. They’re the ones who need to be stopped, who would do the world a favour by jumping overboard.

    Know this: you are accepted and loved.

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    • Louise Says:

      I cannot begin to express how this made me feel. Mental illness can happen to anyone and I think that those among us who, as you say, ‘trample the poor, the weak, the vulnerable underfoot’ know this all too well and it terrifies them and this is their way of avoiding the possibility.

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  2. ida Says:

    hello Louise, I am new to your blog-arrived here via the ed blogroll on the Confessions of…site.

    I read this post and felt literally heartbroken. I,too,am overwhelmed by fear, and the feeling that I should remove myself from this planet,that it is my duty to protect the world from something horrible inside me.

    I cannot believe that you are a demon, and I will look in to see how you’re getting on. I hope that you are safe.
    With your ability to express these feelings in a way most of us couldn’t, you are an ASSETT to this world,so please stay safe and keep posting.

    sending big hug,
    Ida

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    • Louise Says:

      Thank you for your encouraging words, Ida. *Returns Hugs*. I’m sorry to hear that you feel the same way. You’ve just articulated exactly how I feel in my darkest moments ‘and the feeling that I should remove myself from this planet,that it is my duty to protect the world from something horrible inside me.’

      Again, thank you and welcome to my blog

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  3. voluntarymadness Says:

    Thanks for the comment!

    It’s funny because like you I to am a common enemy yet I haven’t felt much hate from the actual government more distress from people in similar situations to me! This may well be due to my amazing ability to not keep up with the real world of newspapers!

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