Hallucinations

‘Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces’

Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos

When I was very young I believed our house was haunted, that there was a ghost in every room. Most nights I would cry out in my sleep.

My nights were filled with dreams and visions.  One day I awoke to see the transparent figure of a stooped old man beside my bed.  I froze for an instant and then I squeezed my eyes shut.  When I opened them again the vision had dissolved.  I was so afraid that I lay down next to my brother on his bed.  As I huddled beneath the duvet I saw what looked like a group of soldiers wielding machine guns, emerging from the darkness and advancing towards me.  Only then did I scream.

I have other kinds of hallucinations and delusions now.

When I don’t take my meds.  And sometimes even when I do.

Can’t sleep because I’m afraid of how I’ll feel when I wake up.  I don’t want to wake up.

And this blog post has made me feel like getting an airline ticket to Switzerland.  Destination Dignitas.

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4 Responses to “Hallucinations”

  1. James Dennett Says:

    While I’m sorry about the unpleasant visions, and about the (written, verbal and other) output of some fraction of humanity, I find you more-than-adequately dignified already. I’ve nothing against Swiss chocolate though.

    I once awoke with the distinctly unpleasant impression that I had perfect eyesight. Not just perfect for a human, but entirely perfect — in the almost-darkness I could zoom in and in, seeing everything down to atoms. The feeling of being overwhelmed by too much input wasn’t the best. Strangely but happily: turning on the light, so that I could actually see normally, returned me to some kind of normality.

    (One of my childhood toys that sat on a shelf did an altogether too good impression of a giant rat at night. Most unsporting.)

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  2. KT Says:

    Are you going to be dealing with this topic any time soon? Wake me up when you do.

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