Impossible Decisions

From a selfish perspective the birth of my niece takes the pressure off me.  I have always taken it for granted that I would have children.  I am reconciled now to the fact that this will never happen.  Some people are unsuited to parenthood and I am one of them.  It’s not that I dislike children – far from it.  I’ve worked as an au pair and was everybody’s favourite teenaged babysitter.  Jobs I loved, jobs that fuelled the fantasy of one day getting married and having a family of my own.  I did not know then that I would be diagnosed with a severe mental illness, that I would develop social phobias that prevent me from going out and meeting people.  In the ‘Known Allergies’ section of the personal notes in my real life diary I have written ‘people’.

It’s a hard lessen to learn but I am not destined for motherhood.  The world would be a better place if more people reached this conclusion.  Not every biological need can be fulfilled.  Not having children is a more painful sacrifice than choosing to have them.  The state of childlessness required more maturity and courage than simply churning them out regardless of the kind of person you are.  I need to be true to my conscience and that means denying myself children.  It’s hard but that’s life.  And I must deal with it

Tags: ambition thwarted, babies, children, mental illness, motherhood, niece, regret, self denial