Self Sabotage

I missed my hospital appointment quite deliberately. I rose, dressed, donned my coat and headed for the door but I couldn’t step across the threshold. I was frozen there for a moment.

My thoughts were racing. I conjured up scenario after scenario. I had never seen the doctor mentioned on my appointment before; what if she is mean, what if she hates me, what if she judges me and then writes bitchy comments about me in my notes? The last time I went to that hospital I wasn’t permitted to leave. I was sectioned and I was terrified this would happen again.

Paralyzed by anxiety I turned back. I would not be leaving the house today. And I know that there is a name for this. It is self sabotage.

I want to die.  I have taken all the zopiclone I can find in my flat. 3*30.  Why are some people loved and some people hated?  I don’t understand what I have done that is so wrong.  I am grotesque.  Maybe that’s why.  Or maybe I’m a spoilt brat like Susannah in Girl, Interrupted.

Why won’t they let me in?

I feel suicidal when no one responds to my posts.  I don’t belong in the real world and I don’t belong in this one either.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  Someone make it stop.

People have told me that I write well but most of the people on the ‘madosphere’ don’t seem to think that I do.  So who is right?

Till now writing has been my life and without it I HAVE NO LIFE

I bite down hard on my hand.  I draw blood.  Why won’t anyone respond?  Do they want me off the planet?  Hierarchies, hierarchies, everywhere.  Even among the marginalised.  It shouldn’t be that way.

There’s a voice in my head whispering over and over again, ‘Everybody hates you.  Everybody.’  How can I make this stop?

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5 Responses to “Self Sabotage”

  1. differentlysane Says:

    Sorry to hear you didn’t make it to your appointment, will it be rescheduled? I don’t think it sounds like self-sabotage, it sounds like you were prevented from going by anxiety.

    I feel awful when nobody comments on my posts. As much as I try not to take it personally… And as much as I myself fail at commenting on others’ posts at times either because I can’t concentrate long enough to read properly, or because I feel I have nothing to say.

    But you do belong here. That’s the point of the ‘madosphere’, we all belong.

    Hadn’t actually come across your blog, until you left a comment on mine. But thought I’d come across to make sure you were alright. And to let you know I’ll be reading from now on (even if I suck at commenting).

    Please take care,
    Differently

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    • Louise Says:

      I have been following your blog for a while. There is much in it that I can identify with. And you are right about the comments too. Sometimes I hold back even though I have a lot to say. And if I’m honest people have gone out of their way to comment on my posts even though I haven’t commented on theirs. It works both ways, I guess. Thank you for the morale boosting comment and I will be a regular reader of your blog. Hugs.

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  2. Prozacville Says:

    The blog world, I think, is a bit of an ‘economy’. I comment on you, you comment on me etc. Alas, in that way, it is not so different from the world-world. The last time I was on here, I enjoyed and was moved by your writing, and I’m now back on, cos you commented on me, which reminded me that I haven’t seen you for a while. I shall add you to my RSS 2.0 feed now (which I’ve just worked out how to do). Do you do a lot of commentating on other blogs?

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    • Louise Says:

      Thank you for your response. Your work is captivating but topical. And sometimes I see myself reflected in it. I understand the analogy but I don’t get along particularly well in the real world. When it comes to comments I am somewhat cowardly. I find myself wondering if anything I have to say is of any consequence. And so it becomes a vicious cycle. From today that will change. I will make more effort. Thank you for your kind and helpful comments. I need a syringe full of self esteem.

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  3. John Thomas Says:

    Because you’re throwing a tantrum. And no one should respond when an adult throws a tantrum.

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