Going to See GP

…today.  Feel guilty about taking up so much of his time but how much more time and money would I take up if I were permanently institutionalised as certain people probably think I should be?  Self esteem bottomed out.  Am thinking of raising money for plastic surgery.  It is 5.21 am and I feel as though I am the only person left in the universe.  There’s a voice in my head telling me to ‘end it.  end it now because it will only get worse.’  and my medication, like the postal service, seems to have stopped working and there are no union leaders to negotiate with.  what’s going on with me isn’t fear, it isn’t anxiety; it is abject terror.

Currently browsing this site.  And this site.  What equipment would I need for DIY liposuction?  Pretty heavy duty painkillers that don’t knock you out, a chainsaw?  This makes me terrified about how I am going to be treated by the mental health professionals if I gain any more weight (I am already a heffalump and that’s not an exaggeration.  I feel myself moving, displacing air, occupying too much space.  Heavy.  I’d rather die than be fat, I used to say.  Well, I’m fat now.).

A little bird told me
That jumping is easy
That falling is fun
Right until you hit the sidewalk
Shivering and stunned

Swan Dive, Ani Difranco

For a minute there it must feel like flying.

They used to say, ‘Anorexics are pitied, binge-eaters are scorned, bulimics are simply ignored.’

Guess that’s still a truism even after all these years.

‘You say I’m really an ugly girl.’

Tori Amos

Tags: fear, loneliness, medication, overwhelmed, voices