I love the way that even among the marginalized there is a hierarchy.
What’s that all about?
Is it ’cause I is ugly?
I’m so tired. Curl up and sleep. Deep. Never wake up.
And I didn’t choose anorexia/bulimia/schizoaffective disorder. I did not stop for them, they stopped for me.
Now the drugs don’t work · They just make you worse · But I know I’ll see your face again ·
Am I hopeless at everything I do?
Mental illness in a sentence: The universe is not your friend.
Did that do? Was it good enough for you?
Addendum: I went to L’s place for dinner on Friday and told her about ordering meds from over the net and she went and told my mother. I don’t know whether to feel betrayed or flattered that someone would take the trouble to do such a thing. Mother (a psych nurse) said that I should agree to into hospital to wean myself off them. Unlike most people I hate being in hospital. As soon as I arrive I am planning my escape. In my area they are quite heavy handed. The last time I ‘absconded’ they sent the police around to my flat. I was bundled in a van and dumped at the doors of the hospital like an unwanted parcel. The police, however, were for the most part professional and courteous. I don’t think returning escapees from mental asylums is a task they enjoy. And I can’t say I blame them.
Stolen From ASE-D
‘I don’t understand how I can be so unimportant. I want to believe that I deserve a chance, it is the rest of the world that seems to tell me I do not.
I know a lot of people here complain about weights and numbers and sizes and calories and foods and spoiler this and spoiler that but honestly those things do not trigger me at all.
The unequal distribution of love is my one and only trigger. Always has been and always will be. I don’t care if you post that you weigh 22 pounds. I don’t care if you shop in the infant section. I don’t care if you’ve eaten nothing but celery for 19 months. What bothers me is when someone cares about you, or is willing to help you, or when you have an opportunity and squander it, when you get some form of love and act like it is nothing worth having.’
How can I expect people to empathise with me or indeed me with them when I don’t even feel as though I have a right to inhabit this planet. My weird combination of illnesses means that I will never be fully understood. What then is the point of it all? What is the point of even trying? I can’t get past this wall I have built around myself. I am a prisoner in my own skin. Ugly and worthless. ‘You don’t belong here,’ says the voice in my head. ‘And you never will.’
Tags: anorexia, bulimia, comorbidity, empathy, mental illness, schizoaffective disorder, terminally unique, ugly and fat, voices, whispering that won't go
So Sick of Drowning 
August 31, 2009 at 4:59 pm
“Unlike most people I hate being in hospital.”
Most of the people I’ve met hate being in hospital. I’ve met 1, maybe 2 people who feel ok with it, and even then it’s not that they like being there; it’s just that it feels safer there than it does anywhere else.
I can understand that you did not choose to be ill (I do not have an eating disorder, but like you, have schizoaffective disorder). I didn’t either. What I was able to choose though, was to work bloody hard towards my recovery. I can’t choose whether I am ill, whether the voices moan at me, whether the tears flow, or whether life feels like walking through treacle, but I can choose how I deal with that.
I wouldn’t say the universe was against me, or that it was for me. I think it’s probably pretty indifferent. It’s not the universe’s fault that I’m like I am. It’s the product of an unfortunate set of circumstances, and no one is to blame.
I don’t think anyone, illness or no illness, can ever be fully understood. For me, that kind of adds to the point. I wouldn’t like anyone to fully “get” me – that would be very intrusive and, in all honesty, for me – boring. Not being understood certainly doesn’t mean that there is no point.
I hope you’re feeling better soon. This won’t last forever; nothing does.
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September 2, 2009 at 10:47 pm
You’ve made some excellent points. The last post was a stream of consciousness post so it was carelessly worded. When The friend I had dinner with the other night when I said I couldn’t possibly go into hospital (even though I have been advised to so, she (a veteran of several admissions) used the broken leg analogy. She said ‘if you had a broken leg, you’d to A&E. You have a mental health problem you go an acute ward’ And I can see her point. Intellectually but not emotionally. I am quite a solitary person. People really scare me.
Thank you again for your support and encouragement. It meant more than you will ever know.
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September 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm
If it’s any consolation, I empathise with you, and I think in the hierarchy of marginals (was going to write ‘margarines’, I’m supposedly at the top, i.e. hold-down-a-job normal, which is all that matters to The Man, innit).
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