Depths of the Night

This is stream of consciousness stuff so please forgive its idiosyncrasies and inaccuracies. I am so afraid right now. I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Or maybe I am letting myself be overwhelmed by anxiety (a touch of self administered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy there.) It’s the old free floating anxiety only ratcheted up so that now it is sheer terror. I’ve used this metaphor before but I cannot think of a more appropriate one: I feel as though rodents are gnawing away at my innards. The fear is within me and yet it is all around me. I cannot escape. I am a prisoner in my own skin. ‘Why are you afraid?’ people ask and then look baffled when I tell them that I just don’t know. My skin is tingling as if jolts of electricity are passing through me. Every part of me is enslaved by this fear. And the drugs that I am taking to help me combat this are not working. I don’t think I want to be here anymore. Not if it’s always going to be like this.

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