Archive for April 12th, 2005


April 12, 2005

Originally uploaded by Bella the Cat.

Not the ‘miracle drug’ it initially appeared to be!


April 12, 2005

Starving myself into nothingness
I deny the nature of my plight
For I have learnt to manage my desires
Excuses float from my lips
And I focus firmly on the external

I watch the patterns in the sky
Formed by a flock of intrepid birds
Flying to warmer climes for the winter
And as rain clouds gather I believe
I have encountered enlightenment

I am unravelling
As a star falls to earth
Hunger creates a crack in my heart
The afternoon bleeds into eternity
A juxtaposition of today and yesterday

I feel my skin thinning.
Once think, now papery, fragile
I feel as though I could walk on water
But the sea is too far away
And as evenings falls black bats descend

And I guard my heart
And the universe divides
And the engine within
That keeps me going
Shudders and dies.


April 12, 2005

Yet again Panorama had the power to distress and depress, a feature, I suppose, of good journalism. This week’s episode dealt with school bullying and came to the conclusion that, ultimately, the bullies win. It assessed the so-called ‘no-blame’ approach that many schools are adopting and interviewed many ‘experts’ who agreed that this has generally been a complete failure. This approach basically involves getting the bully and the bullied together to ‘talk out’ their differences. Sorry, but what a laugh. As if the victim going to have the courage to talk frankly about what is distressing them when the bully is right there in the room with them. And the worst aspect of this approach is that the bully is not punished.

I was bullied (intimidated etc) at school* because I was quiet and shy and in the eyes of the other students that made me a snob. The teachers were afraid of the bullies and so failed to anything. Partially as a result of this and my home life I now suffer from a serious mental health problem. I want to track down those useless, intellectually myopic teachers who ignored what was going on, who even supported the bullies by simply telling me to ignore them and I want to ask them why. Panorama highlighted the fact that many teachers are intimidated by school bullies and my experience is certainly not unique. I was told that I should go and see an educational psychologist. I was regarded as the problem and the system favoured the perpetrators.

Although I feel immense sympathy for the children interviewed in that episode of Panorama, at least, their parents, unlike mine gave a damn. My mother blamed me. I wasn’t the type to be bullied because I behaved so aggressively at home. And besides, why didn’t I say anything? Because I was ashamed, mother, don’t you get that? As a result of being bullied about my weight I developed anorexia and bulimia. Against all odds I did well academically and now have an MPhil and I am planning to do a PhD next year (or that famous MA in Creative writing at UEA).

I may do some research into the aftermath of school bullying. In some wonderful utopian parallel universe the bullies fail and their victims become hugely successful in adult life. I strongly suspect that in this universe it doesn’t quite work out like that.

In the end, it would seem, the bullies do indeed win.

*In my secondary school. I must stress that my primary school years were nothing short of idyllic.

More ‘Hideous’ Shoes

April 12, 2005

Image hosted by
Well, that’s what you get when you go shopping as high as a kite!

%d bloggers like this: